Anxiety

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My experience with anxiety has taught me so much and continues to do so. 

When I was little, my siblings would jump off of their swings, and I was too scared. That defined me--being too nervous to try things that weren't actually life-threatening. So I just went through life thinking I would be different--thinking I would never be able to do all the things other kids enjoyed. It was fine for awhile, but remaining in that place crippled me in a way. Once I was diagnosed with anxiety and became medicated, I was able to experience life anew. 

Freedom was possible.

Jesus gave me support in the forms of family, friends, and healthcare. I am so grateful that I life is closer to normal for me (if "normal" really exists). My testimony through anxiety has shown me how good God is--He provides ways for us to come alongside one another to speak truth and life. 

With this said, please take the time to read a poem I wrote this summer about anxiety and how God has changed my life for the better.

Anxiety

By Jennifer Lewis

8/3/15

Anxiety

My world was whole

A child, I stood gazing at the rooms that held all I knew

The house was everything

Our swingset, though, it gave me pause

Time slowed, laughter rang, my siblings bounded forth to the grass

That's dangerous

Anxiety

My view expanded

Reality holding more than I dared seek

Safety was everything

My family kept me there--happy

This was peace when joyful times I knew would last

Ignore this

Anxiety

Vulnerability sometimes grows with age

Now knowing more, I'd prefer a cage

You see, the outside is unknown--scary

I'll never go away, mommy--I promised

My solution

Anxiety

New did not mean better

Instead, trying meant terror within my fragile mind

Why panic without due cause?

Clock ticking, noise ringing, stomach churning til I'm free

Claim safety

Anxiety

To cope, I talked

Medication can be a necessity

But with that is appetite and apathy

Two things that lead me down a rabbit hole too often

Oh well

Anxiety

Accuracy not dependency

True peace held before me

God's eyes show love and acceptance

Despite my failures all along

I'm free

Renew

Below is a poem I wrote awhile ago... I don't even remember when. Looking back on things I have written, like this, reminds me how far God continues to bring me. The growth I see through His work in my life is amazing. Thank You, Lord, for bringing me out of dark places.

Renew by Jennifer Lewis

Diminutive, unworthy, trapped

My weak form inches along

Failures in my mind recapped

Feelings of loss growing strong

Entertaining, bubbly, cute

Some people attempt to flatter

Yet in hot pursuit

The devil's hate makes me scatter

I realize depression now

Has gripped my heart with a vengeance

But Jesus' love still runs through me

My veins calling me to repentance

Of course an emotion rings

Life-giving, exemplary, true

God's creation bursts with color, sings

as I hope with a look to You

Lord Jesus, I need much more

Weeping on this old cloak

My patience ran long before

Through tears, my voice, I choke

Freedom out of Mental Illness

The other day I saw a graphic explaining the difference between how people are treated when they have physical or mental ailments. There are so many people not getting proper care because not everyone understands the depth of these illnesses. I came across a poem I wrote a couple months back that illustrates the path to freedom in Christ no matter our struggle.

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New Definition by Jennifer Lewis

Dull, monotonous, lethargic; why must these toils linger?
Where went my vigor? My strength?
I talk, think, and wonder - pondering the future
These words continue at length

Or maybe these adjectives crop out the brightness
Vivacious, my true self unharmed
All that I seek stands beyond the door yonder
Grab the knob, girl, and don't be alarmed

Perhaps what I want is a different sort
The moments some toss to the wind
Waves crash, fill my goggles - sight lost it seems for good
All this because I've yet sinned

Drowning then silent, the darkness near welcome
My thoughts now a meager history
The mind of Another, more wise being filling
Consumed, here it goes..... Then the glory

Oh Father, how wrong was I blaming my woes
upon Your torn back by my actions?
Disheartened, I lacked proper sight of the state
This time now split up into factions

Some wither, some wear, I turn- can't stop spinning
Alone? How far wrong could I be?
Instead of oblivion, a light shines ahead
The truth here for all- even me

Yes of course, choose true freedom!--My heart shouts the answer 
My soul now no longer despairs
Jesus Christ, Savior, Lord- you're the King I've been lacking
Your Name alone is what repairs

Assurance and joy- just two words define future
How quickly You allowed me to see
Once was sinful and broken, forgotten and dead
Now alive, well, and praising eternally!

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I am so grateful for the community of people who know about mental health issues and are willing to listen to the truth and speak God's truth over me and one another. Scripture, worship, and fellowship help a lot. But, that isn't a substitute for medical treatment (and vice versa). Medication has allowed me to live in freedom as who God made me to be- enjoying life, functioning like a real human being, and telling others how good He is!

If you struggle with mental illness, too, just know that I love you and Jesus loves you more than any person ever can. He is ever-present, and HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS. 

It's okay to not be okay.
It's okay to seek advice.
It's okay to seek medical care.
You are loved.
You are worthy.
You are made for more than mental illness.
You are made for FREEDOM.

If you ever want to learn more about mental illness, I would be willing to share what I know. (But also keep in mind that none of us are necessarily experts, either.) Not everything is easily explained. We understand when you don't fully get it because we don't either. What we appreciate most is when you take the time to listen and try to understand even just a little bit more. 

Thank you for reading, everyone! I hope this encourages you and lets you know that others have been in dark places, too--but those places are NOT our destination. I love you. God is good. 

Thanks, Jesus. I couldn't do this without You.

UPDATE: Please also check out this link- it shows my heart and the heart of many of us Christians who struggle with mental illnesses to the point that we require medication.
Explaining Meds to Fellow Christians

Clean Slate

Stumbling through tasks
only ending secluded;
removed from Your love
here I fall.
When all I look to is
my face in the mirror,
what I have now
is nothing at all.

Moments we pass in our haste
show right through us.
When push comes to shove,
we're all lost.
The blackness inside me
is all the more clear.
Change, now,
requires a cost.

Nothing more simple,
You took more than bruises--
my future the goal
in Your mind.
Your focus and sacrifice
leading me through this--
my old life is now
left behind.

Showered by grace, I'm
accepting Your mercy
to the deepest dark space
of my heart.
Nothing more telling,
my rot was uprooted.
Founded on faith,
my new start.

Clean Slate by Jennifer Lewis